Ta-dah! You’d never know that actually takes place in six full episodes! Had all of that plot been sprinkled throughout the series as a whole, with a little more meat on its bones, Diabolik Lovers might not have sucked so terribly. The plot in the second half of Diabolik Lovers can be summarized thusly: Sons kill mother, uncle loves mother, uncle resurrects mother, mother wants sons and husband dead, uncle wants husband’s throne/betrays the mother, sons kill uncle/mother again, Yui whines plenty all throughout, then becomes a vampire at the end.

But no, that would make too much damn sense. When the entire first half of Diabolik Lovers is about the different brothers staking their claim on Yui, you’d think they’d at least put up some kind of half-assed resistance. And while all have their claim to Yui as the sacrificial bride, they suddenly give up without a fight when Ayato claims her as his own.

These three jump to the foreground, with the other brothers all but disappearing. In addition, all the brothers get their “moment in the sun” (not literally of course) in the first half of the series, but the second half only really features Ayato, Kanato, and Laito, Cordelia’s sons. There are a few teasers of the mother here and there in the first half, but they are so overwhelmed by the rapey blood-drinking scenes that you completely forget you’ve even seen her before. We go from a band of egotistical, sadistic brothers torturing a young maiden to a troop of nearly powerless, whiny siblings fighting against a dominating mother figure (Cordelia) and their uncle. There’s no plot then suddenly, all the plot. The second half of Diabolik Lovers does pick up some, but there’s no real transition between the two.

The first half of Diabolik Lovers is so one-note that you probably could sleep through the entire thing and make it out better than those who trudged through it. Half of the series consists of Yui crying, a vampire brother biting her, him enjoying it just a little too much, Yui crying some more, rinse and repeat. This is literally the “plot” for the first six episodes in the series. Yui Komori becomes the most recent bride, and the brothers all take turns torturing her and drinking her blood. Diabolik Lovers is a 12-episode series about a family of vampire half-brothers that are offered sacrificial brides.

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